Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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