I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
