My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
