Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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