Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
