Will you blow on my dice?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
