Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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