i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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