Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize