Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
