It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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