i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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