Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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