She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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