Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize