Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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