guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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