I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
