I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
