Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
