Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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