My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize