yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
