my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
