Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
