Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
should my penis look like a turkey
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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