Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
