You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
