this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
