Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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