if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize