How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
