3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
