I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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