genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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