I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
