Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
