Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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