He is an equal opportunity slut.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
