for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
