Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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