Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
