the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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