so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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