Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
