I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
