dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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