I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
