ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
