Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
