I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Barsexuality is the new black.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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