I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
