it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize