Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
