where am i from again
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
