Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I need moral support for this bender
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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