I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
