you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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