Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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