I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
