At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
