Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
