What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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