I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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