There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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