guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
