Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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